No shame in MacKenzie's game

Today MacKenzie and I made a run to Milford, CT.  She needs a special pair of shoes ordered to wear at night.  They don't sell these shoes everywhere, so off we went to the store in Milford where the doctor referred us.  When they asked if they could help us and I explained what we needed it appeared that only one person could measure her.  Little did he know he was in for a treat.

He came out and asked if he could see her feet.  I had dressed her in a little footed jumpsuit (as usual), so I had to undo it a bit for him to get her feet out.  The shoe guy was kneeling right in front of us.  The minute I pull out her feet she farts loudly.  I almost fell over.  I tried to do the "mom" thing and said, "Oh, gosh, I guess we are sharing special noises with our new friends."  I'm sure he was thinking, "how is this my life?  I just got farted on by a 12 week old baby and her mom is calling it a special noise." 

What can I say?  I can't teach a 12 week old what is socially acceptable.  Thus, if she needs to fart, she farts.  It doesn't matter where we are.  She doesn't even blush. 

When it rains, it pours

The day after Christmas, MacKenzie woke up with her first cold. It is truly the saddest thing ever when a baby is sick. Amazingly, she remains quite a trooper and even as we are into day 4, she keeps smiling.  Inspiring.

This morning however, Mommy & Daddy were not smiling.  MIS and I were going through our normal morning routine and Daddy was showering. I heard a dripping noise and saw that we had a small puddle in our living room directly under our shower.  We have been attempting to fix this shower of ours since we purchased the house in May.  At some point, one of the prior owners tiled over tile.  Not a good idea.  We arranged for a contractor to do several projects including fixing the tile.  Sadly, doing work for us was not a priority and thus most of the work was never completed. This morning:  the tile started failing.  Good times.

So, sick baby and shower water in our living room.  Ugh. 

I started calling people to come to fix our bathroom.  Double ugh.  I'm not sure why it is so difficult to find someone who needs/wants to fix this tile.  It is much more difficult than I would imagine.  If you know someone who does such work in our area, please send me their contact information!!  Scott is going to try to re-caulk tonight.  Hopefully that will stop it temporarily.

On the baby front, MIS & I headed to the doctor early this afternoon.  It was a useful visit as the doctor gave me several good tips.  Tip #1: an alternative to the "booger sucker" that I find to be nearly useless.  She suggested a saline nasal spray instead.  Tip #2:  I don't need to worry about taking her temperature rectally.  The doctor that was there today is also a mom and she said she hasn't ever taken her little one's temp that way. Her words:  "he wouldn't like it and I wouldn't like it.  I don't do it!"  She assured me that the armpit works. 

Diagnosis: bad cold.  Hope that it doesn't turn into something worse.  Triple ugh.

A view of our sick little one:

On the good news front:  we have power.  After the blizzard caused the tree across the street to fall down, we were without power for several hours on Monday.  Not at all fun in very cold temps with a sick baby.  Power is definitely a great thing.
 
An adventurous last week before my leave is over.  Can't wait to see what Thursday brings... 

Some holiday shots...

A few shots from our quiet Stearns holiday:

Scottie with MIS & her new "seat."  

 Me & MIS with the new seat...yes, I was pretty excited about it!!

MIS in the new seat with Piglet from Grandpa Floyd:

"Oh boy, my new seat":

I made grilled pizzas for our Christmas dinner.  Scott said he wasn't in the mood for a big meat dinner that I wouldn't eat.  So, I tried a new grilled pizza recipe for him.  This was a shredded pork pizza.  I made the shredded pork the night before so it was ready for our Christmas feast.  Scott said it is tied with the BBQ Chicken pizza for his favs.  Below is a photo of my masterpiece:

Our fur baby & her antlers & toys.  She clearly didn't want anyone taking away what Santa brought:

More weird things you see on walks

We saw this on our Christmas Day walk.  It speaks for itself.  Love it.

It takes a village

On our first Christmas with MacKenzie during nap time, I was able to go for a run.  As I enjoyed each step, I was thinking about this amazing gift that we've been given:  our daughter.  Last year at this time, we were north of San Francisco.  We were enjoying wine country and celebrating with Scott's family. We were also mourning after our miscarriage.  I wasn't sure we'd ever have a baby.  Funny how 365 days can change your life.

What occurred to me yesterday was just how many people we have to thank for helping us "get to" our bundle of joy.  They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  In our case, it took a village to conceive a child.  The following are some of specific villagers I would like to thank.  While they are numbered, they are not necessarily in any particular order...outside of the first one!

(1)  My husband.  First, there are all the obvious "gifts" he gave.  Beyond that, he's been there all the way.  From surviving the miscarriage with me to standing by me every evening as I gave myself my nightly fertility shots to knowing just how to help me cope:  when it was best to suggest a gin & tonic and when it was best to suggest a run to enduring my unending worry once we were finally pregnant with MacKenzie.  I do appreciate him more than he knows.
(2)  Dr. Lavy.  If you are a woman/family struggling with fertility in the CT area, I couldn't recommend anyone more highly.  His practice has this highly emotionally charged process down to a science.  When he discharged us to our ob/gyn he told us, "now we know the formula, so let us know when you are ready again!"
(3)  Tracy at Dr. Lavy's office. She's a nurse at the office.  She told me on our first visit that she was really the person we'd see most often.  That couldn't have been more true.  There were many weeks when I was at the office multiple times every week.  She always had a smile and a warm heart.  When we lost our first baby, she was patient and kind in talking to me on the phone as I sobbed.  She didn't ever lose it with me when I expressed my fear and anxiety.  She was a rock for us. 
(4)  Our families.  Both of our parents and our brother Eric were amazing.  They were kind enough to take multiple calls per day when we really needed support and gave us the space we needed when we simply couldn't talk about it any more.  We are very lucky.
(5)  My friends.  I won't name you all.  I'm not sure you would want to be named.  You know who you are.  Thank you for listening to me cry.  You listened to me worry and wonder.  Thank you for distracting me with laughter and a glass of wine.  Thank you for having lunch.  Thank you for bearing with my weird eating habits both before & after my pregnancy.  I wouldn't have made it without you.

(6)  Greater New Haven Ob/Gyn.  A wonderful practice of midwives, doctors, nurses & staff.  I spent a lot of hours in their care and always felt we were in great hands. 
(7)  Dr. Edusa.  The woman who finally delivered MacKenzie when she arrived.  She was so calm.  She was also a mom.  Her empathy, enthusiasm and expertise were amazing. 
(8)  The nurses at Yale.  It truly is an amazing hospital and the nurses really make it possible.   Cheers.

I'm sure there are more.   I apologize if I've forgotten someone.  Thank you to everyone who helped us get here.  MacKenzie is such a gift.  It takes a village. 

Traditions

Traditions.  The holidays remind me of the festive traditions I've been exposed to and the traditions we hope to create for MacKenzie.  Some of my favs from childhood include:

• Reading "A Christmas Carol" with my dad every year
• Christmas Eve at my mom's house with my grandma, cousins, aunts & uncles
• Christmas shopping with my mom & grandma every year
• Macadamia nuts & jelly bellies in my stocking

Some of my more recent favs include:

• Running on Christmas morning with some kind of holiday gear
• Attending the Christmas Carol with Scott's family
• Champagne on Christmas morning

We hope to help create some traditions with MacKenzie that she can carry forward.  I hope she finds some traditions of her own that she finds meaningful as well.  As you can see, we did live up to our commitment to wrapping gifts.  We know she won't remember this year, but we've started the tradition.  :-) 

The tree & our stockings look beautiful tonight.  I'm excited for tomorrow morning.  Let the traditions begin!

Our smart girl...

This was MacKenzie's outfit today.  I admit I'm a lazy mom when it comes to clothes.  It's sad because I'm a clothes horse.  I am hoping to raise a daughter who loves a fun outfit with even more fabulous shoes as much as I do.  I imagine days when she & I will shop together and "ooh & ahh" over the perfect outfit.  I may be failing already: 

We have some super cute two + piece outfits.  I rarely use them.  When faced with the prospect of changing 10+ diapers in a day with a two+ piece outfit versus a one piece jumper, 9 times out of 10, I choose the jumper.  However, today, I put together this ensemble.  It's important for this reason:  the shirt was the very first "gift" I bought MacKenzie.

Last spring I attended the CUES CEO Institute at Wharton.  It was relatively early on in my pregnancy.  That stage where as a first time pregger (at least to that stage), I felt enormous.  I was sure the whole world "knew" I was pregnant.  I wasn't yet wearing maternity clothes, but wearing dresses that are a bit more forgiving to my expanding belly.  I had no idea how huge I would eventually get. 

Due to our miscarriage, I was a nervous nelly.  In case you hadn't guessed, I am also extremely superstitious.  So, I was hesitant to buy anything for the baby before she came.  One afternoon before the week long session was over, a good friend and I decided to go to the Wharton bookstore.  They had the cutest onesies.  I stared at them and debated.  n that way that only a true control freak can imagine, I worried that a purchase might lead to a disaster.  My friend took one look at the blue & red onesie and nodded.  I couldn't help myself.  I brought the outfit home and hid it at the bottom of one of my drawers.  I prayed at night that I hadn't just jinxed our baby.  The purchase didn't cause a disaster.  Thank goodness.   

Fast forward many months to this morning:  I was getting MacKenzie dressed and I saw the Wharton onesie.  My dear cousin had just sent us a cute pair of red leggings.  I debated and imagined the more challenging diaper changes.  I dressed her in it on anyway.  I found a pair of Michigan socks Grandma Marge bought us.  This outfit is literally the smartest thing she'll ever wear. 

This morning, we discussed her future at the business school.  How smart she already is and the fabulous man she might meet at Wharton or U of M.  I cringed when I thought about the future price tag for her education.  I know, I know, I might be getting a bit ahead of myself.  

I had fun buying her that outfit.  It caused me anxiety.  It was fun nonetheless.  It was fun to put her in it today.  Our smart baby girl looked very cute.  However, I'm guessing tomorrow we'll be back to a one piece!

She found it!

MacKenzie's thumb has been located!!

Mr. & Mrs. Scrooge pack up their coal

I'm a spoiler alert:  Those of you who are passionate about Christmas, might want to skip this post!!

I'm a bit of a Scrooge.  I don't know when it happened. there was a time when I remember Christmas being magical.  One year I was sure I saw Santa and his sleigh in the sky!!  As an adult, it just feels like so much pressure:  trying to find the perfect gifts, balancing family visits, everything you get out to decorate with just has to be put away etc..  Recently, my favorite holiday has become Halloween.  No gift pressure, scary movie marathons, costumes, candy & fun parties.

Thus, in our 8 years of marriage, Scott & I haven't ever had a tree.  Our mothers tried.  They both sent us oodles of decorations and ornaments from our childhood.  We never unpacked them.  We attended holiday events.  We exchanged gifts.  We eventually got into the spirit at some point once we were together with our family.  But we weren't known for carrying the Christmas spirit.

Fast forward to December 2010.  It's amazing what a baby can do!  There really didn't seem to be a question as to whether or not we'd get a tree.  We both were ready.  We headed to pick it out when Scott's parents & grandparents were in town.  There was a lot near our house where the boy scouts were selling trees.  We took MacKenzie and together we picked the perfect tree.  Scott & his dad put up the tree.  Marge, MacKenzie & I put up the ornaments.  Scott is watering it everyday.  We light it every morning and evening.  It's very pretty.  It feels like Christmas in our house.  We want it to be magical for her.  It might even rub off on us.

Our next step before the big day arrives:  wrapping presents.  The Scrooges can't use bags for wrapping our daughter's gifts.  Even if she can't open them this year, we need to start the tradition.  Merry Christmas!

The first day of daycare

I have a little less than two weeks left before I head back to work.  It's bittersweet.  I love what I do. I'm very lucky that I work in an industry that I'm extremely passionate about.  We make a difference for people.  There is no question that I want to keep working.  However, the thought of leaving MacKenzie is brutal.  I've had my share of tears over the past few evenings.  The guilt mounts. 

I've had some good advice from friends that I should do a dry run or two.  Today was the day.  I had a meeting that I wanted to attend.  So, MacKenzie spent her first couple of hours in daycare.  As hard as it was, it was a great experience.  They had a sign up for MacKenzie welcoming her to her first day.  Her teacher was extremely welcoming and helpful to me.  I didn't know the "tricks" and routines. I didn't know where to put things.  She eased me in.  She assured me that my little girl would be okay.  She had warm arms for MacKenzie when I left and she was holding her close when I returned. 

I cried when I pulled away.  I called my husband and he reassured me that we were doing the right thing.  She's going to make friends. She's going to be well socialized.  I dried my tears and headed to my meeting.

It felt good to be at work.  I felt like myself.  The time went quickly.  I started to look forward to our plans for 2011.

It was a good idea to do a dry run.  The daycare asked me if I would be bringing MacKenzie back again this week.  I hesitated and said "no."  I'm going to enjoy the rest of our time together.  It's short and will go by fast.  I will be a little bit more prepared when the "official" day back comes. 

The kind of influences you hope for

Today is day three of being really "back" to running!  It's such a treat and I feel more like myself than I have in 10 weeks.  Today I actually got outside and off the treadmill which was even more exciting. While I was finishing up my run, I was thinking about my track/cross country coach in high school.  He had a profound influence on my life.  He is the kind of person that I hope MacKenzie finds in her life.  I hope she has lots of influential people surrounding her and that she accepts the gifts they give her along the way. Not only did my track coach introduce me to my love of running, but he introduced me to the many life lessons that running can provide.

One of the most important lessons I learned:  I can be as tough as nails. This has become my running mantra:  "you're as tough as nails."  It may sound silly.  It probably is.  It still helps.  You might occasionally hear me muttering it during mile 23 of a marathon.  I repeated this mantra to MacKenzie last week before she went into surgery.  It sometimes helps to say it even if it doesn't feel like it's true. 

My track coach taught me this lesson on a very cold spring day.  We had a meet at another school.  It was supposed to be an all day affair on a Saturday.  It was cold and the weather forecast was lousy.  There was likely going to be snow and potentially sleet and hail.  On the bus ride to the meet, many of us laughed about the fact that the meet would likely be canceled and soon we'd be home and cozy instead of out running in the elements.  We were both right & wrong.  The meet was canceled due to inclement weather.  However, we were wrong about being warm and cozy.  As all the rest of the kids from surrounding schools were loading back on their buses and heading out, our coach herded us off the bus and onto the track for 400 repeats.  It was sleeting with a mix of hail.  The kids on the other buses laughed. 

I remember feeling really angry in the moment.  How could he do this?  Wasn't this some form of abuse?  Didn't he see the other kids were safe and warm on the buses headed home?  We all stayed and finished our practice.  Not just any practice:  but 400 repeats!  Not an easy day. He wasn't going to waste a day of training.  Excellence doesn't happen by getting back on the bus.  It happens by heading out in the hail.  It makes you as tough as nails.

I hope MacKenzie has people like this in her life.  People that challenge her.  People that push her.  People that stretch her.  People that may frustrate her in order to make her stronger. 

What kind of people are important to your children?

Weird things you see on walks

My mother-in-law has been extremely helpful to me since the baby was born.  She has a great memory about the challenges and is very practical about solutions.  She's had several ideas and survival tools that have become my saving graces.  One of her great ideas when she was here was:  get out and walk!  She suggested twice a day and we've pretty much stuck to that.  We have three different modes of transportation for MacKenzie:
(1)  The Baby Bjorn.  This is particularly effective on very cold days.  Not only can I bundle her up before she gets in, but I can zip her into one of Scott's coats that I wear as well. We look like a two-headed monster.  We are both very warm too!
(2)  The BOB.  Yes, my jogging stroller works now for running.  It's also pretty good in the cold as it has a nice cover over the front.  I do have to resist the urge to try running.  Still waiting on that neck control :-)
(3)  Our umbrella stroller.  Another great idea that my mother-in-law had.  It's so easy to use and lightweight.  It's also great for when we might want to run into Walgreens quickly.

Our walks are fun.  Even though it's chilly, the fresh air feels amazing.  I try to point things out to MacKenzie.  I doubt very much that she knows what in the world I'm talking about.  I am also always on the hunt for "new friends."  I was so sure there would be people out walking too that would be anxious to chat with me.  Not so much.  On a lucky day there will be someone repairing a sidewalk who might nod "hello." 

Yesterday, we saw something odd.  A key hanging from a tree.  This was a tree in someone's front yard.  I wondered what the story might be?  Did someone just drop this and another friendly walker hung it up thinking they'd see it?  Is this a really bad attempt at a hide-a-key?  I'm sure there is a story here.  Wish I knew what it was.

What'll we see on our walk today??

3 Wishes

A view of serious MacKenzie today.  She's chillin' in her froggy chair after feasting.  For anyone that is looking for baby shower gifts:  this chair is one of the BEST gifts for a new parent.  It lets a new baby NOT be on their back and it gives mom & dad their arms back for a few minutes while baby can see all that's going on!  Awesome!

Once she's outgrown froggy, I think a lot about MacKenzie's future.  Of course, this is in context of my own experiences, so I often think about what things I wish for her in her life.  I have WAY more than three wishes, but we'll start with three for today :-)

Wish #1:  To laugh hard & often.  We haven't heard her laugh yet, but I can't wait to hear the sound.  One of the cruelest realities of recovering from the c-section was that it hurt to laugh. Who wants to give that up?!?  I wish for MacKenzie many friends each with a fabulous sense of humor.  I hope she can laugh at herself.  I hope she can make others laugh. 

Wish #2:  To run a road race.  I know all of you non-runners are going to think that is nutty.  But, hear me out:  there is nothing in this world like the start of a big road race.  You are surrounded by other runners.  Runners are cool people.  They love to run, they love other runners and they love the start of a race.  No matter what the conditions, no matter how long or brutal the course, most will be smiling.  When the gun goes off: all you can hear is the sound of pounding feet.  I have run a lot of races and every single time, I get the chills when those shoes start hitting the pavement.  Along the way, people hand you Gatorade or water.  They cheer and smile, even if you are slow.  If you are lucky, you'll have loved ones along the way waiting to cheer you on.  Most importantly, the time between the start and finish, it's just you and the road.  You can give it everything you have. There is nothing else to consider to think about.  Of course, finally, there is the relief of the finish line.  No matter how long the course, or how much you loved running, there is a bittersweet joy when you see the finish.  Frequently at the end there will be good food...sometimes even a beer.  Other runners sharing their stories of how the course treated them and how they treated the course.  There is nothing like it.  If she gets this wish, I hope to be there either running beside her or cheering her on!

Wish #3:  The ability to suspend her disbelief.  MacKenzie's dad & I laugh about this a lot.  It is one of the things that makes us pretty different in life.  I can/will/love to suspend my disbelief.  He cannot/won't. We'll see where she lands.

I'm a big movie buff.  I can watch even really bad movies if I'm in the theater.  I love the experience.  The smell of popcorn, the ticket stub, the sticky floors, and the previews.  Love it.  I also love the movies themselves.  Even when they are predictable.  I "flip off" the switch that makes me start guessing the end or predicting what might happen.  I suspend my disbelief.  It's so much fun.  In a world that can be so brutal and often predictably so.  What could be better than just delving into someone else's fantasy for a couple of hours.  My husband isn't so into suspending his disbelief.  He frequently groans at movies for their predictable outcomes.  There is no doubt that he is much more logical and probably smarter.  But, it's so much more fun to just let yourself enjoy.  I wish this for her!

More wishes to come...what do you wish for your children?

Dreaming of Running

Almost every morning, I see a runner striding past our house.  I'm so jealous as I gaze longingly that I'm sure my skin starts to turn green. Due our fertility treatments, it has been almost a year since I've run.  Once we got pregnant, we committed that it wasn't worth the risk for me to start again.  So, throughout the pregnancy MacKenzie & I used the elliptical machine daily.  Despite my best attempts and hopes (3.5 hours of pushing & hypnobirthing classes), we did end up needing to delivery MacKenzie with a c-section.  I was so unprepared for the aftermath. 

Most frustrating to me:  how unready by body was for exercise for weeks.  Two weeks ago, I teared up during an episode of "The Biggest Loser" because they were able to workout so hard.  I was finally released by my doctor to start exercising, but it's a slow go.  MacKenzie and I have been enjoying long walks.  However, the winter weather is starting to curb us a bit.  I'm back at the gym on most days and on the elliptical machine.  It's bittersweet.  I remind myself that three weeks ago I couldn't even do this.  I remind myself that my body has been through a lot.  I try to cherish the fact that I'm finally actually able to move quickly enough on the elliptical to start sweating. 

Yet, I dream of running.  I have songs on my workout (running) iPod mix that remind me of moments on the road during training or the Boston marathon. It gives me the chills.  I close my eyes and picture myself putting one foot in front of the other without a care.  I pretend that my stomach doesn't feel like a lump of heavy potatoes.  I picture myself pushing MacKenzie in the jogging stroller that is waiting for us (her neck/my body) to be ready. 

I wasn't blessed with the gift of patience.  I'm learning this skill whether I want to or not.   

How much you want to help...

As a parent, you just want to help your child.  You want to make their path easier.  It starts early.  Here is MacKenzie this morning.  She is learning several self soothing techniques.  She rubs her hair.  She sucks on her hand.  This is wonderful news.  However, she hasn't mastered finding her thumb.  She works hard at it.  She puts her fist in her mouth.  She even occasionally gets her thumb in her mouth as well.  But it doesn't stay.  Her hand/eye coordination is not what it will be some day.  I try to show her and move her thumb for her.  She's not interested.  Even as frustrated as she gets.  She's got to do it herself.  This is the smallest of things, but it's probably an important lesson for me as a mom.  I'm going to want to "do it for her" so many times and she'll need to do it herself.  What I can do is hold her and tell her I love her while she tries.  I can celebrate when she does it.  It's tough to watch. 

Rocking

Rocking takes on a whole new meaning when you are a mom.  When you first hold your baby, there is an instinctual movement that naturally comes to you.  When you hear her cry, you'll try anything to soothe her and frequently that includes any kind of movement.  You'll bounce, rock, sway and bob. 

Our daughter loves to dance.  She comes by this naturally.  While there is rarely an occasion for adults to do so, there is little I love more than dancing the night away. So, when she starts to cry and I know that all her other needs are met, I know it's time to "rock."  We turn on the iPod and pick a good mix.  Some days it might be Dave Matthews, Billy Joel and James Taylor.  Other days it might be Ice Cube, the Black Eyed Peas, and Pink. (I do realize that soon I'll have to temper these selections for lyrics!!)  She settles right in as we dance and sing around the living room.

I'm not sure why it works.  It might be just the soothing nature of movement.  I rarely sat still while she was in my belly and maybe continuing that movement makes her feel safe.  Maybe I calm down a bit when the music starts and my calm state transfers to her.  Regardless of the reason, I'm always so thankful it works.

Below is a picture of our little dancer at rest:

The story of a mom who works & runs

Some history:
Two years ago I was a woman who loved her job and loved to run marathons.  I worked as many hours a week as was possible and loved it.  A gin & tonic or a glass of Cabernet were a daily joy.  I was about to live one of my biggest dreams by running the Boston Marathon.  Today, I'm a new mom to a happy 9 week old baby girl.  My life has turned a bit on its head.  I've spent the last few weeks immersed in the hardest and most joyful time of my life.  My body is not my own.  I smell of spit-up, baby lotion and sometimes poop.  My days are at the same time extraordinarily long and amazingly fast moving.  They say nobody can prepare you for this and that could not be more true.

This is a baby that we worked hard to conceive.  We struggled with fertility and a miscarriage.  One year ago, I was recovering from our first miscarriage and was not sure if we'd ever have a baby in our life.  I was struggling with the control that nature does not afford, even to a control freak.  I'd worked hard for many years to not conceive and never considered that one day it might be so hard to do so.

After a second round of IUI, on Valentine's Day 2010, we received the exciting news: we were pregnant again.  I lived the next 9 months with almost constant fear and worry.  Carrying a pregnancy post-miscarriage is terrifying.  The doctors tell you not to worry.  It isn't good for the baby and it won't help anyway.  This is extremely logical and simultaneously impossible.  Every bite I ate, every step I took, every small pain I felt all filled me with terror.  I didn't touch caffeine.  I avoided the many cheeses that I loved for fear of listeria. I trimmed my daily workout that was once at least 40 minutes of running to 30 minutes on the low impact elliptical machine.  I worried about where my seat belt crossed my lap.  Amazingly, we made it through and today, as I type, my sweet baby girl sits next to me showing off her new "social smiles."

This blog will be my story.  I've tried to start this each day since we arrived home from the hospital.  I haven't made the time until today.  The truth is, I was so unprepared for this journey.  For as much as I wanted it and researched it, I had no idea what I was coming:  all the joys & all the challenges.